Identity Diffusion

Dear Sir V,

(this is odd. It’s like I’m writing a story to Charo. Haha. Kidding sir!)

I don’t know how to start this. I have a lot of things to tell yet I find it hard to say and all…

Well, I think I belong to the “identity diffusion.” I never really experimented something in my life. I always opt to the safer, mastered, and easier things. I grew up without thinking who I really am. Maybe it’s just that my mom always allow me to do what I want, and support what I do.

When entering college came, I really had a hard time picking my course. I like engineering, I like accountancy, I like computers and so on. Until I had decided to just choose Psychology. Ask me why, my answer would be to know myself better. But honestly, I am just afraid to fall on the course which for me are “walang kwenta” or “walang pera.” My cousin told me about the Psychology. She said that Psych majors simply interview people, like the HR. So, here I am, a psych major.

Jumping on college, I thought I wanted to become a medical doctor. And that was all I thought. One day I woke up realizing that I am really not the kind of person. I think I was just influenced by my friends, classmates and maybe even the UP Manila. You know, seeing those medical students kind of inspire me to be like them. It looks so cool; it looks so respectful and competent. Upon realizing that, I was at lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just finish college and work. I have to be something more. It always echoes me as every professor tells us that we should go whether to medicine or graduate school. My parents are asking what my plans are.

NOW, it is already 2nd sem of my junior year. 2 sems to go and I’ll leave the university. What are my plans now? Go to graduate school, work on a company as a part of the HR department. But honestly sir, I can’t see myself working as a psychologist/HR/counselor. I even once told a friend, “everyone has a future, yung iba, blur nga lang.” then it hits me back. Blur pa ang buhay ko. I fail to recognize what I really want.

I love psychology naman. I love reading and learning new diseases and disorders. It amazes me. I love everything about this course. Yes, sometimes even the crazy requirements. But why can’t I be really happy on what and where I am right now? Or maybe am I just looking at the wrong direction? Am I just being blinded or being afraid to really stand up on my decisions? Do my lens at the wrong place so my photos resulted to the blurry ones?

IDENTITY DIFFUSION – fail to make clear choices.

*The past few days, I’ve been submitting my resume to all the companies I could think of. I found this in my email. As far as I reember, it was an optional assignment. You have to tell and discuss your current state in life or something like that. This was kinda personal. I miss studying because I can’t no longer write something like this. I guess my heart is really in studying.

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About princessrenren

sharing personal things without actually being personal. i have more sense when writing than speaking.
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