For once in my life

For once in my life, I want someone to actually listen to me and pretend to understand me. Because I fucking swear, even though I tell all these shitty things, I still know what should I do. I still can see the other side of the problem. It’s just that I feel like I am fucking tired of following what are the “should dos”.

I’m so tired of holding on and thinking that all I am doing right now is for my future. I am just so tired of being strong and trying to pretend that I can keep it all together, that everything is okay. When in fact it is not! I’ve been trying to be the ideal woman… but what they do not know is that I am fucking broken. Sometimes, I feel that I am already dead on the inside.

It hurts so much waking up each day, dragging myself into something that keep on sucking my soul. I just wanna scream and be free on this box that they have caged me… wait. Nobody caged me. I boxed myself.

For once, I just wanna be carefree and don’t think of the future or be away from all the pressures and negativity. For once I just wanna be understood. I can no longer act that I can help other people when I cannot even help myself.

Mottos like “I can do this.” “just keep breathing” and thoughts of inspiring that challenges are there to shape you have been with me for year. But I am fucking tired. I am fucking broken. I am fucking dead.

-January 16, 2017 during my lunch break :/

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Libra

I take pride in being an independent person. I can do things in my own, and I hate asking for favors or help. But lately, I realized that I cannot do things on my own. I cannot not ask others for help, and now I feel like I cannot run on my own as I usually look for a buddy to be with.

I don’t know how to feel about this, to be honest. In a way, it’s good because I am little by little getting out of my own little comfort zone. I am finally socializing.

However, a part of me do not like this. I love being on my own, not minding others’ business, not talking with other people. Whenever people disappoint me, I always tell myself to stop being invested with other people. I am perfectly happy with my books, journals, music, and movies.

I guess this is me being a Libra and an adult in a very adult world. I am still learning how to balance things, how to act accordingly with the world I am living in.

In conclusion, we need to know when to share and when to keep, when to look for others and when to love being alone. It is inevitable to look for someone who understands you because that is the very nature of us as a human being.

And hey, if you’re feeling blue, it gets better. Trust me.

-Ren, 10.29.16, 10:40 am

P.S. I have been reading a lot of formal writing, hence, the usage of words such as however, in conclusion, and hence.

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Brain Fart: Music and Performing

The past week has been very tiring, but I am not complaining. In fact, I do not mind doing that kind of schedule every week – because I get to do what I love the most.

Performing and music is a big part of my life. It just so happen that I was not blessed with the talents needed in the performing industry but I was given the heart for it. I feel so alive during rehearsals, even though it means taking time off for what I have planned for.

I guess I am writing this now because for the first time since I have entered my adult life, I once again feel that work is synonymous to play. It is such a breath of fresh air when you do something out of the routine, especially when the work you have requires responsibility that is very overwhelming to your fragile and immature heart.

I missed dancing. I missed talking about performing. I missed being creative and actually doing your concept. I missed all the things I usually just watch on television/laptop, or imagine in my head.

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Brain Fart: Asleep

I started reading All The Bright Places yesterday and something that Violet said caught me:

“Writing was what I did best, better than being a daughter or girlfriend or sister. Writing was me. But now writing is one of the things I can’t do.”

Then I remembered the line Anthhony said in the movie That Thing Called Tadhana:

“Akala ko magaling na ako e, marunong lang pala. E yun lang alam kong gawin.” (Rought translation: I thought I was great, turned out I just can do it. Thing is, that’s the only thing I knew.)

Last August 20, after so many great things has happened in my life in the span of 20 days, I tried to write about it. I cannot write the same way I did before. I felt I was stuck. I felt I am a machine that is already rusted. I know I am not even good in writing but I take pride with my writing skills.

It’s just that it is so hard that I am pressuring myself with my adult responsibilities and I feel that the child in me is overwhelmed that she’s scared of all – so many things happening all at once, she just want to leave it all, run away, and never come back.

I feel like Theodore in All the Bright Places, sleeping, but not the same kind of sleep people usually do. How ironic that so many wonderful things is happening in my life right now but I am still not that happy, still searching for something.

They say that the only way to improve your writing skills is to just write and to read.

I miss my old self.

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Brain Fart: Dear future boyfriend

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Hi. I just got home from work and it’s crazy!

Work starts at 7:30 in the morning. Being a night owl, I start my work with my mind still sleeping heavily. There are days that I have to work till 6:30 in the evening. I ask myself why I am doing this, and I still don’t know the answer to my own question.

Please don’t mind when I say that I have a lot of work to do. I can no longer spend my lunch breaks as breaks. Usually, I would like to take some nap or have some quiet time on this precious one hour, but as soon as I hug my table to sleep, someone would knock on the door and ask me things I know nothing about, or would ask some papers to sign or whatever the clients can think of.

I’m sorry if I already feel tired when I see you at the end of the day. It’s just that my work right now demands that I give my hundred and one percent of energy. There would also be a lot of times that I will tell you how stressed, or frustrated I am with work, and how I hate all of these. And then there would be days that I will tell you how I feel so lucky to be in this field.

Even if there are so many things happening at once, please know that I love you. I really do. Everything that I am doing with my life is for you, for us. I hope you will always be there to support me, to be the shoulders that I can cry on. Your smile will always be the thing that will make me keep going.

I know you’re stressing right now as well. Please know that even though I feel physically tired, I will always hold your hand so that you’ll know that I am just right here by your side.

I know we have not met yet but I already love you. I long for your tight hugs and kisses. Can’t wait to meet you.

Love, your future girlfriend

 

-Ren, July 26, 2016, 7:32 pm

 

 

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Real vs. imagined

Ren,

You have to learn that whatever happens in your mind will always not gonna happen the same way in real life. Limit, or perhaps stop processing your relationship with everyone in your mind. It’s always always different, and you would always always get disappointed.

People change. Circumstances change. Feelings change. Relationships change. And even though all these things change, you have to hold on to what you have had. I am not saying that you have to live at the past. It is just that you have to know that these changes do not necessarily mean you are all alone once again. Accept things, that’s life! Continue living and continue being involved with people, with things, with your feelings. And hey, sometimes, what is happening in real life is far more wonderful than what’s happening in your mind.

Get out. Express your feelings. Say what’s on your mind. Change happens, life happens, and that’s the way it is.

xoxo, Cess 12.11.15 5:00pm

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Everything is not what it seems.

It’s the time of the year
once again
when I feel physically sick,
mentally tired,
emotionally bruised,
and psychologically empty.

To be quite honest,
I still don’t know how I
am still surviving despite the
great pulling force to give up.

Give up on people,
on career,
on dreams,
on love,
on life.

I wish I have enough strength
to carry on.

– Ren, June 17, 2016, 12:13 pm

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