Sometimes, I don’t want to have kids in the future, sometimes I want to have… and if He wants me to have…

I hope that my daughter would be smart enough to distinguish things of the opposite polar. I hope she would be smart enough to know that love is not physical, and that she would protect her heart to all the pa-cool boys (’cause I’m pretty sure, there would be a lot of them in the future!). I hope that she’s smart and her heart is open to understand that different people means different emotions and behaviors as well. But more than that, I hope that even though she is smart enough, she would not hate herself, and that she would always believe in herself, and that she would be always willing to try things in life ’cause she knows that life is a book that should be filled with experiences, and not just a simple blank bond sheet of paper.

Here’s to you, Sophia.

-Ren, October 15, 2015, 7:00pm

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This has been lying in my draft folder for almost 8 months now. Wow! Time flies so past. I have written this last February 15, 2015, back when confusion and self-doubt was my theme.

Madalas, sampal sa atin kapag bumabalik sa atin yung mga bagay na sinasabi natin sa mga kaibigan at mahal natin sa buhay.

“Kaya mo yan!”, “Magaling ka, di mo kailangang matakot.”, “It’s your time to shine.” Telling people stuff like this made me feel that I am helping them.

But these words slapped me because I am not applying these to my life. Telling a friend that she doesn’t have to be afraid make me feel that I am helping her. I am a true friend. But now that I am the one who is afraid make me feel like I am not being true to myself.

I guess I have to shut my mouth. Nakakatakot din yung mag-aadvise/counsel ka ng isang kaibigan kasi bumabalik sa sarili mo.

Totoong madaling sabihin, mahirap gawin. Ang hirap panindigan ng mga bagay na pinapang-advise mo lalo na kung ang lalim na ng sugat ng puso mo. Yung tipong, ngayon pa lang sya naghihilom, ngayon ka pa lang babangon, kaya takot na takot ka.

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Imaginary love story

I thank God for not making my imaginary love story to happen. Because, now I finally realized why it shouldn’t be.

I remember I had a little tampo with Him because I thought that’s the start of something. This little crush of mine to this certain person was something I have imagined to be something else.

Can you imagine that I even have the timeline, that on that certain month, something will happen and then blah blah blah…

If He let the story I have made in my mind to happen, I am probably heartbroken. I was again reminded that it is His plans and His time, and not mine.

I just thought… I just can’t help myself to imagine things, feeling that I know what He is planning.

Seriously, I need to control myself and my little creative mind.

But yeah, I am still thankful that none of it ever happen. Thank you for saving me, and I know that my love story will be waaaaay better than I can imagine.

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‘Pag umalis ako

Gusto ko pag umalis ako, malaman mo ang halaga ko.

Gusto ko pag umalis ako, makita mo lahat ng hirap na ginawa ko para sa ‘yo, na ang oras na sana ay para sa aking sarili, ibinigay ko din sayo.

Gusto ko pag umalis ako, masabi mo na “Sana inalagaan ko sya.” dahil sa haba ng pinagsamahan natin, hindi ko man lang naramdaman na iniisip mo ang kapakanan ko.

Gusto ko pag umalis ako, maramdaman mo ang puwang at kakulangan sa puso mo. Gusto kong maramdaman mo na para bang may kulang na sa buhay mo, at oo, ako ang kulang na yun. Ako na dati umaapaw pa ang ibinibigay sayo.

Gusto ko pag umalis ako, maisip mo kung gaano mo ako nasaktan. Naniwala at nagtiwala ako sayo, umasa ako sa isang magandang buhay, pero nasaktan mo ako, at patuloy na nasasaktan.

Wag mong isipin na madali lang ang lahat ng ito sa akin. Paulit-ulit kitang pinipili, araw-araw.

Pero alam kong mas kailangan kong mahalin ang aking sarili at buhay. May mga pangarap ako na nais pang matupad, mga pangarap na hindi mo maibibigay, mga bagay na makakamit ko lang kung aalis na ako.

Gusto ko pag umalis ako, malaman mo ang halaga ko.

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Emotional fever

The past week, I was ill, but not physical. It started on Saturday with too much stress that I swear until now, I am not used to it. I thought it would cure up on the unexpected roadtrip and super short getaway on Sunday. 

Boy, I was wrong. I woke up Monday morning feeling not okay, emotionally speaking. I still get out of the bed, and still managed to beat the time by one minute. I mean, I was at the office physically but my mind’s definitely somewhere. I was like that the entire four working days.

By Thursday, I can’t help it anymore, I posted too much emo Facebook status. That entire week, I was almost tempted to not go to work. But what will I tell my boss? Ma’am, good morning, I’m sorry I cannot go to work today because I feel depressed? Would that be a valid reason? So when friends ask me why I was late, I simply said that I was feeling lazy.

In the place I live in, psychological health is so underrated. How ironic ’cause I work in the field of psychology. I have never heard a student who got excused because she was feeling sad. People will still expect you to bring your A game at work. I admit I put off a lot of work I have to do this week because of this emotional fever.

I suddenly realize that fever should have two types, physical and emotional. Usually, fever is just this illness which force you to be on your bed the whole day. It’s like you need to have a 24 hour charging time, like the battery of a car. I call this sadness that I feel because I know it is nothing too alarming or too dangerous already. I just need a charging time but perhaps 24 hours is not enough.

I’ve been thinking too much for months now. Pressure and stress is a deadly combination, and I know I am the one who is hurting myself. I do not know how to fill the emptiness and blah-ness that I feel. How will I be able to be 100% efficient at work? Not that I need Zoloft or Xanax okay?

I wish whoever is reading this (that is if someone is actually reading this) is not on the the same situation. I hope you are all happy or at least not sad. I know that every once in a while, we have to feel something on the negative aspect of life.

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Morning walk

Last night, while doing the same routine every night, which is posting too much stuff on my social media, I saw an opportunity that I wouldn’t let pass my grasp. It’s one of my fancy dreams. I have even used the words: “To e part of it is a dream” and “My nerd life will be finally complete”.

I am this close in sending to that email address, until I realized I am still chained for three months still. Oh well, in another life, I will be living that dream.

Today, before leaving our house, I remembered the conversation I had last week with one of my bosses. I am almost this close for this certain position but I still cannot be becase I lack a certain, the most very important document. Then while walking, I realized, what if this boss isn’t aware of my full qualification? I wonder, have she seen my papers?

So many thoughts, it hurts already.

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Health is wealth.

Two weeks ago, the institution I am currenltly working with conducted their annual check-up. Before that day, I was so scared because it will be my first time to have my blood extracted. I was so nervous on that needle! Thank goodness I survived it, physically and mentally.

Anyway, I know something will be wrong on my xray. I am so used on reading the impression of thoracic dextroscoliosis. To my suprise, the result also mentioned suspicious density on my right lung. What the hell was that? The doctor who interpreted my results said that one of the common illness of Filipinos is tuberculosis. OMG? Me? Tuberculosis?

I was so scared. I’ve been coughing nonstop since May and if this xray has some suspicious, then I may be really sick. A week after this check-up, I had another episode of hypochondria. I still feel oh-so-sick, and that I was so convinced that I may be actually be sick. I read the results again, and googled those unfamiliar words that say I am low or high. Even though the doctor said that it is still not significant, my mind was hopping from one illness to another.

I was like, OMG I may have tuberculosis, or may have lymphoma (because I have low lymphocytes), or may have leukemia (because of high red blood cells), or another type of cancer. I know! I am such a hypochondriac.

So last Saturday, I had another xray, as prescribed by the doctor. I swear, if I am healthy, I may die of radiation! The result has a good news! My lungs are normal! I mean, it’s so clear, definitely no suspicious whatever.

Yey! Still healthy. I guess what I am really trying to say is that, stop thinking too much. And take care of yourself. Do not overwork your body just for your work.

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The Week That Was: Shocking!

I cannot decide whether to completely forget or vividly write in my future autobiography that  certain happening at work. Before this week came, I was really training myself for this, yet I still feel overwhelmed. I’ve known months before that the inevitable will happen, I was just not expecting it that it will happen that way.

This week, I felt the pressure at work, to be honest. It is no longer a child’s play. I guess, I am finally coming to grip with the reality. 

My weekend, contrary to my weekdays, was so chill. I rested too much ’cause I know it will be my last free Saturday. Oh, and I baked chiffon cake on Sunday evening. It wasn’t perfect but I guess it’s alright for a novie like me.

I was able to meet a high school friend after 2 years of losing contact. I swear, this pasta that I ate tasted just like the spagetti I cook at home.

This week was really the reality waving at my face. It was damn frightful, but I guess the only thing I can do is act as a mature person I should be. I still don’t know what will happen, but I believe that if I can dream it, I can be it. I just hope it goes on the Lord’s plan for me.

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The Week That Was: Sick, Patience, Work, and Voice Rest

Let me start this entry with a fact. What a super tiring and challenging week it was! Ohmygoodness!

Sick. The workdays are the same, some days are just more challenging than the others. The week started with Monday feeling so damn sick but I still have to go to work because 1. The keys to the rooms are with me. 2. The bosses will still look for me and ask to go to their offices to clarify/ask/do some stuff. 3. They are expecting me to go to work.

Mondays usually are the hardest because of the number of clients we have to deal with, my head was pounding, my sore throat was aching so bad I just want to stop talking but I cannot. During those times, I feel that I am a responsible adult. The fever was gone by Tuesday but the throat and the cold were still there the entire week. 

Patience. I’ve been doing this for more than a month now. Sir R even mentioned that I was truly making this work for me. Ha! As if I have the choice! Anyway, this week tested my patience. This was the first week of being figuratively alone that made me felt that this work is really hard! It was so challenging for me! As someone who doesn’t possess a long patience, being patient is really hard for me. I won’t even deny the fact that I was a snob and ill-tempered to some. But that was just my reaction on how they treat me as well.

At the end of the day, I realized that I can go back to being ok just after few minutes with the help of music. Once I leave the office, I know the drama’s gone. Tomorrow is another day! Besides, I do not want to be someone who will  be hard to approach to because she’s easily irritated. I don’t want that!

Work. Too much papaer works to do, too many people to deal with every single day, and I haven’t notice the time. I wish I could say that it was because I am enjoying it. Well, I still am, but the things you ought to do can be overwhelming to the child-like me. I am finally feeling how hard this job is, it is no longer a play. It requires you to be mature and logical and patient and professional, and sometimes, in real life, I am neither of those. I still don’t know how Mam J did all of it in the past.

Voice Rest. By Friday, I began coughing bad that it changed my voice. My throat aches so bad! Good thing I have weekends- meaning I can sleep all day, watch tv and write all night. I limited my singing and talking, and when I talked, it’s usually in a softly manner. Yay!

I’m feeling much better now. Hoping to really get comfortable with work. But hey, I am not complaining. I have lots of learning wth all of these.

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Blind Spot

When the current work you have requires you to entertain a ridiculous number of clients every single day, it gets boring. So you will need something to entertain you while waiting for the next client, or when bullshit occurs and you just have to shake it off.

That is when Candy Crush will enter into this nerdly world of Renierose. When I finally have this tablet, I said to myself that it will only contain social media apps and my files to read and write, nothing more. But then first paragraph happened and I decided to download the Candy Crush games. I know, I am years late once again with this bandwagon.



On my second day of playing this game full-time, I realized my blind spot. Maybe because I am still a noob at this game and all the people around me have better eyes to see which candies to crush. Or maybe because I am just literally focused on whatever is in front of me.

While playing this game, I realized my blind spot in my life. Maybe that is the reason why I feel the pressure whenever people around me ask what I want to do in my life. Perhaps, it is also triggered by a short exchange of SMS I have with  a good friend and mentor if I want my life in another institution.

I know I still cannot see the harsh and selfish realities of life because I am still living in this world ala Inception. I mean, Not thinking about other stuff, I am still happy to where I am currently in. Well, I mean, I hate it as well but I still feel happy.

We all have blind spot. I guess, the only thing we can do is find reliable teammates that will help you see those blind spot.

Ren, 06.03.2015.

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