She Used to be Mine

During Christmas break while almost everyone is having their break and the few deservings were still reporting for duty, my officemate gave me a copy of Sara Bareilles’ What’s Inside: Songs from Waitress album. It was only this week that I finally listened to the album.

I was first entertained with the “sugar butter flour” loop, and thought that this album would be fun, right until She Used to be Mine. I was doing something while the entire album was playing so the next day, I googled from the office computer the lyrics of the song, and finally understand why the song caught my attention from the last night.

“She’s imperfect but she tries…” It’s just one the songs that found you, and just happen to say all the things you’ve been keeping.

“She is broken and won’t ask for help…” is probably one the very special lines for me because how ironic that I work for the welfare of others yet I never ask for help from all the brokeness that’s inside me..

So as Classic Ren, I played the song the entire time and everyone in the office was like “what a sad song!”. Well, it sounds like that but it’s also empowering and gives hope. That entire day I was busy with all that I have set to accomplish on that day, but I had the urged to cry out there, which is very unusual for me considering I am very reserved when it comes to my feelings…

I can’t think of the words to say to describe how this song is making me cry and smile. I guess I’m lucky that I find songs like this to help me express everything inside me.

I think I just truly become a Sara Bareilles fan.

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Love-Hate

I love this place. I hate this place. Question: can love and hate coexist at the same time? For the philosophy nerds out there, can love and the absence of love coexist at the same time?

I love this place. I learned to love it. I know that wherever life takes me in the future,mI will always credit this place for making me the adult I am today. I grew, and have grown a lot in this place. I never even imagined that I’m gonna be here, but still, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Just by mereley thinking of leaving this tears me up real hard. I love it.

But I also hate it. I hate that I never felt that I truly belong here. I always feel that this place is an unknown jungle, that even with the years of my life spent here, I never felt at ease. I always feel different, but I think being different is my normal. This place gives me a lot of reason to hate it, and it never fails to tear me up on the inside. 

I love it. I hate it. There are days that remind me of the wonderful experiences I have and will have in this place. But there are also experiences that tell me to leave.

Now, I ask again, can love-hate be felt at the same time?

-Ren, 01.29.16, 5:40pm

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The Week That Was: Carbs!

Monday. Sunday afternoon till evening, I was craving for a chocolate cake. It was all I was thinking while having my dinner. I was craving the cake so much that I planned to go out on Monday’s lunch break just to fulfill this. It did not happen, but right after eating a simple lunch in the office, somebody came with pizza and pasta. Even though I had this certain plan of having cake, I got pasta instead. Which is still okay for me! I love pasta! People know me as someone who eats pasta every time. Then I realized that sometimes, God do not give us the things we want right now, instead He gives us something else. Suddenly, it was like a eureka moment that I understood something. I love pasta. God gave me something good for me, perhaps better. Yes, it was from the different field, different genre but it was still satisfying. My heart was still satisfied! I guess, it’s not yet time for savory food for now.

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I swear it tasted better than it looks! Already halfway through 🙂

Wednesday. All good things must come to an end. It’s one of the ‘easier said than done’.  All good things must come to an end. (Repeat until done…) It’s inevitable. It’s part of the world. Nothing is permanent except change. I know that it sucks, especially for someone who does not like change. I suddenly remembered an article I read in the office. That homesickness is not really about the ‘home’. This certain feeling boils down to our need for love, the need to belong, for security (Basically, the basic needs from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs) – which all can be found at home.

Thursday. It was past 8 am, still very early for me when someone came in the office and was like “Mam Ren, here’s the spagetti that you ordered.” I was like “Whut? I did not order it, but if you insist, I’ll take it!” I was not expecting that but it just came. In the afternoon, I was so hungry (as always!) when a colleague came and was like “I got pansit. Let’s eat!” Truly amazing!

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Simple yet one of my fave spagetti ever!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the blessings of God is always on point, and around the corner. Sometimes He surprises us with things we never thought about. I guess it’s human nature to feel disappointed and have a tampo when God’s saying no to us when He does not give us what we ask for is. What we fail to realize every single day is that He gives us presents and surprises us daily, something better for our lives right now and in the long run.

Let us be grateful for not only on our life’s milestones and answered prayers but also with the little things He gives us without asking.

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Journal

For 2016, I promised myself to write every single night just so I could document my life and my feelings and my thoughts and everything in between.

I bought a fancy journal notebook before 2015 ended just so I would stick on this resolution of mine. It’s simply a hardbound notebook with blank pages, that’s it. Shed extra bucks for what I was normally willing to shed, but I think it’s worth it.

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This fancy schmancy notebook is my most prized possession as of the moment.

I am still getting the hang of writing something very personal, but looking back at the 15 days that I have written, I’m glad I’m doing this. I get to write my wishes and dreams, my feelings throughout the day, my prayer for God, my fears, the things I’m scared about, or the things that made me scared. Because the past few months, or probably the past year, I was just alive but not living. I could have written more than I did but for some reason I never held a pen and paper. I have all the instruments in writing but I never made one.

I guess it’s also one of the reflections I had last year – I was busy with work but I have lost touch with my inner self. I know I was feeling too much before but then it turned out to be blunt because I ignored it. Now, I am in touch with myself, I get to reflect with my life every single night, and I can notice the improvements.

It’s just fifteen days, and I do hope I will continue doing this. Please future self, write on your journal everyday!

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Entry No. 015. January 15, 2016.

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This is the day!

Just a quick post!

This is the day that I felt it was college graduation once again. Oh, my heart! All throughout the event, I was so happy and grateful.

One of the speakers mentioned a biblical verse from Ecclesiastes, had to google it though to get the actual verse. It says:

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Today is reaping time! Today is a celebration. Thank you, my Lord.

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Your plan

Last night before I went to sleep, I was reading a book entitled “Praying for You Future Husband” and in every chapter there is a prayer for yourself and for your future husband. It’s honestly a good read, but won’t spoil it. Anyway, so I was reading and I find this prayer very…personal. All the other prayers from the other chapters were good too but I felt that this certain prayer touched my heart more. It’s something I could pray every single night, something we could all pray despite the circumstances we’re facing. And I think it will be good if I’m going to start my 2016 (for this blog) with a prayer. The prayer goes: img150 img151 It’s the very first sentence that caught my attention and my heart. Then the following sentences came and it was like something I would have said but was written way better. The prayer says it all! I am currently learning to give all to Him for His plans, and not mine. May we all be inspired with this prayer.

xx, Ren

P.S. Yes, that is my handwriting.

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Thank you 2015!

Few hours before the year ends, I’d like to write my reflection for the year so here I am in my room writing this on my laptop. It feels so long time so I go since I wrote through this laptop, ’cause I am always always holding my iPad.

I am thankful for 2015 because I have finally achieved my childhood dream. I finally have a physical evidence of achieving it and nobody now can take that away from me. I now have an additional item on my list to read whenever I feel incompetent or whenever I have self-pity episodes.

This achievement made me realize that sometimes, you have to say ‘No’ to things in order to say ‘Yes’ to yourself. I just woke up one day with this firm mindset that there will always always be a lot of stuff to do at the office, I don’t want to be stuck in this position/situation so I have to help myself. I know it is up to me to achieve my dreams. I’m glad I did what I did.

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A prayer I wrote months ago. My prayer every time I undertake certain journey.

I also know that whatever is happening to me is God’s plan. I asked for it, and He gave it to me. Now, I know at least a little bit of information of what He wants me to do.

I am also thankful to all the challenges I had to face at work. It helped me to be mature that I was before, finally learn how hard it is to be an adult that has a responsibility – realized these on the nights I, together with our unit, was still working and also when I am all alone in the office and the bosses were expecting me to do a lot of stuff.

It was also the year that I realized that I can do things. I thought I really can’t. Really, I doubted things, but after accomplishing things after things, I realized that I can. I just have to believe in myself.

Another highlight at work was when I gave a short talk outside the institution. It was not really the first time, but it was the first time I was invited to talk! Wow! And oh, I get to speak in front of hundreds of people. Truly amazing!

This year though was the year I did not get to write entries on my blog than I am expecting for myself as well as reading too few books. I really need to control myself in putting too much time on social media sites. Get a life, Ren!

I feel that I grew a lot this year. Looking back, I never thought I was able to do all those things. This year also made me feel that I am indeed an adult now. But hey, I am and will always be child at heart.

To every one who might probably reading this, may the year 2016 be the year that we achieve our dreams!

xoxo, Ren

 

 

 

 

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The Week That Was: Beyond Thankful, Beyond Blessed

Wow! I am actually writing an entry on this almost-dead weekly topic of mine. Haha! But since I realized that I really need to write more often, I should start with this one, even though I am already late with my schedule.

Anyway, I am going to talk about the first two weeks of December since it came so fast, it almost felt like a dream!

It actually started on the evening of November 30. When the results came, I really could not believe it! The Lord has actually granted my request. Now I feel like I know at least a part of what He wants me to do with my life.

Eight days layer, He has given me even more! Definitely even more thankful. I still cannot believe it. It felt definitely hashtag blessed.

Upon reflecting with all that is happening in my life, I remembered a somg from Hannah Montana The Movie. A line from the song You’ll Always Find Your Way Back Home says “And this girl is thinking that maybe this life is what some people dream about…”. Definitely living my childhood dream now! And I know a lot of people will do everything just to have it as well. Definitely beyond thankful and beyond blessed!

I am also very thankful that the orientation program the office held was successful. It wasn’t the first time I organized this kind of program, in fact, I’ve done one months ago and it was bigger than this. But I was still very nervous that no one will attend, or that the speakers that I have invited have forgotten it or so on. I tried to keep my body and mind calm when days before the program one of the speakers said that he can’t come because of prior commitments. A day before three of the bosses couldn’t come. Oh my goodness! What should I do? But still, regardless of all the issues and concerns, we did it! Definitely feeling accomplished!

The week that was was also when I got a surpirsed visit at the office from my mentor, my former boss. It made me realize that things will definitely change and it is up to me if I would let my relationship with the people I love will change. Circumstances change, yes, but you can still be as close as you used to. Believe in the realness of your friendship.

Definitely thankful! Definitely bleesed!

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Write

I write every single day. I write narrative reports, evaluation reports, communication letters, letters for the immediate heads, letters for the bosses and the big bosses, reports to be submitted to whoever.

I feel like I write for a living now. I feel like half of my job is about writing. Writing is not even part of my job description. I guess what I am really trying to say is that I write all the time now!

But I miss writing. I miss writing for myself. I miss writing my thoughts. I miss writing my feelings. Why did I stop? I guess because life happens. I guess because I am living in the world of adults now and I have responsibilities on my shoulder. Is that a valid reason?

It’s just that I woke up every single day feeling not motivated with work, will walk going to work and going back home feeling a lot – anxiousness, sadness, excitement. And then there are days that I feel nothing- this scares me more to be honest because these are the days that the thought of quitting and leaving is stronger than wanting to plant more seeds.

And then there are days that I am just too mean, too critical, too doubtful on myself. So instead of writing, I would just keep it to myself because I would just be so critical on my work. This sucks. Wow writing this made me realize that I am such a lame friend to myself.

I read somewhere that to be a good writer, just write, write, write. It doesn’t have to an awesome piiece all the time. Just write! And, love yourself a little bit more.

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Donate blood, save lives! 

I still can’t believe that I donated blood yesterday!

Donating blood has been one of my goals in life that I thought would remain just that – an idea, a thought, a dream. Until yesterday when there was  a blood letting activity. But I wouldn’t have done it without the help of friends. 75% of the credit should be given to C, H, L and C.

To be honest, I did it at first for myself. It’s been a long time since I wanted to try it but I was always so thin and such a coward. So when C entered the office and mentioned that there is a blood letting activity at the AC and said that she wants to donate, I told her that I wanted too. But I was hesitant. This was all too sudden. Things like this should be processed in my mind for at least a week. But everyone in the room urged me to do it, and said that I can do it. So C and I went, even though I do not believe that I can do it.

I weighed. I am officially 51 kilos. I had my blood pressure checked, and even though I was nervous, my BP is still the same. The doctor had a quick assessment if I was healthy. When he signed my paper, I realized that there is no backing out. I am healthy enough to give my blood. Oh my gosh!

All this time, I was just thinking about my blood extraction few months ago. It hurt, but I managed it. If I can do it before, I sure can do it now as well. So I lay down on the bed, and the nurse approached me. She tied a latex glove on my arm, disinfected it, and poked the needle. I was looking at the other side as I was really scared. It hurt, to be honest. L recorded everything so I can still see it after. Then when the nurse went to the next bed, friends cheered that I was doing it. I looked at my arm, and oh my goodness! I was doing it. I am donating my blood! I was instructed to open and close my hands but I was  too weak (or too scared?) to move it. They said that the flow from my arm to the bag was fast enought. Yaay! Really thank God for friends who were there for me to keep me company and entertained and for the support.

 

Laughing (or crying? haha) while donating. So surreal!

After 20 minutes or so, the nurse removed the needle. It still hurt! And then that’s it! I still feel great. I did not eat the balut and the lugaw that they gave, but I still feel awesome. I feel like that I can still dance all afternoon!

Kidding aside, I am glad that I finally did it, and survived it, and still very much willing to do it over and over again! L said that I finally have something worthy in this world. Yay!

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I did it! Finally!

Though I initially did it for myself, I am glad that my blood can help other people.

Oh, and I finally know my blood type! Yaay! Hooray for me!

For anyone who has been thinking of donating, go ahead and do it! Donate blood, save lives!

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