Brain Fart: Music and Performing

The past week has been very tiring, but I am not complaining. In fact, I do not mind doing that kind of schedule every week – because I get to do what I love the most.

Performing and music is a big part of my life. It just so happen that I was not blessed with the talents needed in the performing industry but I was given the heart for it. I feel so alive during rehearsals, even though it means taking time off for what I have planned for.

I guess I am writing this now because for the first time since I have entered my adult life, I once again feel that work is synonymous to play. It is such a breath of fresh air when you do something out of the routine, especially when the work you have requires responsibility that is very overwhelming to your fragile and immature heart.

I missed dancing. I missed talking about performing. I missed being creative and actually doing your concept. I missed all the things I usually just watch on television/laptop, or imagine in my head.

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Brain Fart: Asleep

I started reading All The Bright Places yesterday and something that Violet said caught me:

“Writing was what I did best, better than being a daughter or girlfriend or sister. Writing was me. But now writing is one of the things I can’t do.”

Then I remembered the line Anthhony said in the movie That Thing Called Tadhana:

“Akala ko magaling na ako e, marunong lang pala. E yun lang alam kong gawin.” (Rought translation: I thought I was great, turned out I just can do it. Thing is, that’s the only thing I knew.)

Last August 20, after so many great things has happened in my life in the span of 20 days, I tried to write about it. I cannot write the same way I did before. I felt I was stuck. I felt I am a machine that is already rusted. I know I am not even good in writing but I take pride with my writing skills.

It’s just that it is so hard that I am pressuring myself with my adult responsibilities and I feel that the child in me is overwhelmed that she’s scared of all – so many things happening all at once, she just want to leave it all, run away, and never come back.

I feel like Theodore in All the Bright Places, sleeping, but not the same kind of sleep people usually do. How ironic that so many wonderful things is happening in my life right now but I am still not that happy, still searching for something.

They say that the only way to improve your writing skills is to just write and to read.

I miss my old self.

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Brain Fart: Dear future boyfriend

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Hi. I just got home from work and it’s crazy!

Work starts at 7:30 in the morning. Being a night owl, I start my work with my mind still sleeping heavily. There are days that I have to work till 6:30 in the evening. I ask myself why I am doing this, and I still don’t know the answer to my own question.

Please don’t mind when I say that I have a lot of work to do. I can no longer spend my lunch breaks as breaks. Usually, I would like to take some nap or have some quiet time on this precious one hour, but as soon as I hug my table to sleep, someone would knock on the door and ask me things I know nothing about, or would ask some papers to sign or whatever the clients can think of.

I’m sorry if I already feel tired when I see you at the end of the day. It’s just that my work right now demands that I give my hundred and one percent of energy. There would also be a lot of times that I will tell you how stressed, or frustrated I am with work, and how I hate all of these. And then there would be days that I will tell you how I feel so lucky to be in this field.

Even if there are so many things happening at once, please know that I love you. I really do. Everything that I am doing with my life is for you, for us. I hope you will always be there to support me, to be the shoulders that I can cry on. Your smile will always be the thing that will make me keep going.

I know you’re stressing right now as well. Please know that even though I feel physically tired, I will always hold your hand so that you’ll know that I am just right here by your side.

I know we have not met yet but I already love you. I long for your tight hugs and kisses. Can’t wait to meet you.

Love, your future girlfriend

 

-Ren, July 26, 2016, 7:32 pm

 

 

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Real vs. imagined

Ren,

You have to learn that whatever happens in your mind will always not gonna happen the same way in real life. Limit, or perhaps stop processing your relationship with everyone in your mind. It’s always always different, and you would always always get disappointed.

People change. Circumstances change. Feelings change. Relationships change. And even though all these things change, you have to hold on to what you have had. I am not saying that you have to live at the past. It is just that you have to know that these changes do not necessarily mean you are all alone once again. Accept things, that’s life! Continue living and continue being involved with people, with things, with your feelings. And hey, sometimes, what is happening in real life is far more wonderful than what’s happening in your mind.

Get out. Express your feelings. Say what’s on your mind. Change happens, life happens, and that’s the way it is.

xoxo, Cess 12.11.15 5:00pm

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Everything is not what it seems.

It’s the time of the year
once again
when I feel physically sick,
mentally tired,
emotionally bruised,
and psychologically empty.

To be quite honest,
I still don’t know how I
am still surviving despite the
great pulling force to give up.

Give up on people,
on career,
on dreams,
on love,
on life.

I wish I have enough strength
to carry on.

– Ren, June 17, 2016, 12:13 pm

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I wonder if I could find a guy who would accept my quirks and nerdy attitude, who would love me even if I love my books and dogs more than anything else, who would stay awake with me just to watch an entire series, and who would actually love as well the things that I love the most, because in the world I am currently living, I can’t find someone whose interests correlate with mine.

-Ren, 06.11.15, 9:22 am, Thursday

Timehop gave me this. I wonder what I was doing on an office time and day last year that I thought and tweeted this.

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Driving

Today’s my third day on my driving class. And can I just say, it was freaking awesome! To be honest, I was quite hesitant to finally learn how to drive. I always have lame excuses to do during Saturdays so now that I am doing it, I hate past-Ren for pushing it off every single time.

First meeting was just a lecture of the basic – the things I ought to check as a driver, like the battery, water, oil, gas, etc. I was also oriented on what we will be doing once we’re actually driving. Even if the teacher was trying to explain things to me like how to do parking, I still cannot visualize it. First sign that I might fail this driving class. Hahaha

Second meeting was the first actual driving. When we switched our sits, I was nervous as hell. He made me do forward and reverse – very simple. But the first few times I was doing it, I did not understand what I was actually doing. It should just be a simple straight drive but I always going to the side rather than staying in the center. It was just few meters and after doing this for ten times or less, the teacher was like let’s go somewhere. That’s a long straight drive, pretty sure you’ll learn to control the steering wheel. So we did, but I drove like a drunken person. I just cannot stay in the middle!

But as I keep driving, I learned to relax. And it was fun! OMG I am finally doing it! We had to go to this open field to relax and be comfortable steering the wheel. Pretty sure, the teacher being a fun to be with also added on the fun experience.

Today’s activity was my most favorite. Third meeting! I finally drove on the highway, and even went to Puerto Galera. The commute from Calapan to Puerto Galera is around one hour and before landing off the beaches, you have to face the ups and lows zigzag road. It’s on the mountain side, like the level 1 version of the road going to Baguio. I cannot believe I did it. I mean I cannot take all the credit because the teacher did a lot of guiding as well, but still. If I did it today, I know I can do it again! Yaay! Can’t wait for the roadtrips during weekend!

I am so excited to learn more. He says next activity is to drive on the traffic. And something on changing the wheels. I do not know. I even said if I could just go to a vulcanizing shop but he was like what if you’re in the middle of nowhere and can’t find one? Make sense. Listen to the teacher, Ren.

I am just so happy with today’s happenings! OMG! Driving is equally scary and fun. I cannot wait for  next Saturday so I could drive again! Yaaay!

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