Everything is not what it seems.

It’s the time of the year
once again
when I feel physically sick,
mentally tired,
emotionally bruised,
and psychologically empty.

To be quite honest,
I still don’t know how I
am still surviving despite the
great pulling force to give up.

Give up on people,
on career,
on dreams,
on love,
on life.

I wish I have enough strength
to carry on.

– Ren, June 17, 2016, 12:13 pm

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I wonder if I could find a guy who would accept my quirks and nerdy attitude, who would love me even if I love my books and dogs more than anything else, who would stay awake with me just to watch an entire series, and who would actually love as well the things that I love the most, because in the world I am currently living, I can’t find someone whose interests correlate with mine.

-Ren, 06.11.15, 9:22 am, Thursday

Timehop gave me this. I wonder what I was doing on an office time and day last year that I thought and tweeted this.

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Driving

Today’s my third day on my driving class. And can I just say, it was freaking awesome! To be honest, I was quite hesitant to finally learn how to drive. I always have lame excuses to do during Saturdays so now that I am doing it, I hate past-Ren for pushing it off every single time.

First meeting was just a lecture of the basic – the things I ought to check as a driver, like the battery, water, oil, gas, etc. I was also oriented on what we will be doing once we’re actually driving. Even if the teacher was trying to explain things to me like how to do parking, I still cannot visualize it. First sign that I might fail this driving class. Hahaha

Second meeting was the first actual driving. When we switched our sits, I was nervous as hell. He made me do forward and reverse – very simple. But the first few times I was doing it, I did not understand what I was actually doing. It should just be a simple straight drive but I always going to the side rather than staying in the center. It was just few meters and after doing this for ten times or less, the teacher was like let’s go somewhere. That’s a long straight drive, pretty sure you’ll learn to control the steering wheel. So we did, but I drove like a drunken person. I just cannot stay in the middle!

But as I keep driving, I learned to relax. And it was fun! OMG I am finally doing it! We had to go to this open field to relax and be comfortable steering the wheel. Pretty sure, the teacher being a fun to be with also added on the fun experience.

Today’s activity was my most favorite. Third meeting! I finally drove on the highway, and even went to Puerto Galera. The commute from Calapan to Puerto Galera is around one hour and before landing off the beaches, you have to face the ups and lows zigzag road. It’s on the mountain side, like the level 1 version of the road going to Baguio. I cannot believe I did it. I mean I cannot take all the credit because the teacher did a lot of guiding as well, but still. If I did it today, I know I can do it again! Yaay! Can’t wait for the roadtrips during weekend!

I am so excited to learn more. He says next activity is to drive on the traffic. And something on changing the wheels. I do not know. I even said if I could just go to a vulcanizing shop but he was like what if you’re in the middle of nowhere and can’t find one? Make sense. Listen to the teacher, Ren.

I am just so happy with today’s happenings! OMG! Driving is equally scary and fun. I cannot wait for  next Saturday so I could drive again! Yaaay!

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Brain Fart: Love, Rosie

Whenever we look for something, we always look far away from us that we have forgotten to check things right under our nose.

We always hope to find someone or something better-a place we can call our home, someone who would truly love us, a lifelong career, a genuine happiness. So we leave our comforts. We go to other places hoping it’ll be the home we have been looking for. We change jobs to find the ultimate one that makes us feel alive. We find love from the people around us.

Yet, most of the time, we wind up in a messy place. All along, the home we’re looking for has been with the people who love us. The love we’ve been looking for has been just by our side, literally.

We always hop on to the bigger things, or the faraway things. Why don’t we first look on anything or anyone who surrounds us before we do something crazy?

But you know what, if it’s meant to be, it will be. It will be delayed because of the traffic we personally did to ourselves, but we’ll arrive at the end of our journey..

-Ren, 7:32 pm, May 5, 2016

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*Realization from the movie Love, Rosie. Hence, the title.

**Brain Fart will be entries about sudden stream of thoughts that are not edited at all. Just like this last two sentences.

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She

  I love myself now, but I also miss my old self.

I miss the girl who would write her heart out every single time. She loved to write poems about her crush who she thought she fell in love with. She would write about  how much she loves her friends and how much she greatly appreciates them, and how thankful she is to God for giving her wonderful people in her life. She would write prose about her daily struggles. She would just write.

While writing, she would imagine herself doing great things. A writer, an educator, a motivational speaker, a whatnot her heart can imagine.

She could read books all day and all night. She would cancel her plans with friends because she’s engrossed with the book she’s currently reading. She would read different genre and would learn a thing or two about physics or cooking or romance or medieval era.

She enjoyed her time alone, so much so that she does not want to leave her own shell.

I love her but I wished she’d be a little more open to other things.

I guess that’s why present is very different from past.

She can speak herself. In fact, she became so confident she sometimes forgets that her words can hurt other people. She can be an extravert that likes to speak to different kind of people. She still gets nervous but can now carry herself while in front of an audience, or the big people. I think she has finally learned to believe in herself.

But there are days that she became so obsessed with present that she forgets her past.

Now she’s feeling ill, at least psychologically.

She’s laughing so hard. She can deliver good jokes. She works efficiently. She can do things and she’ll do things.

But before she closes her eyes to sleep, she misses her old self.

That girl who write, who read, who dreams.

To her surprise, going to her roots isn’t as easy as it used to be.

It’s okay to grow, but honey, please remain true to yourself.

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Rambling Rant: Paper

We’ve been living in a world where we showed or appreciated more what’s in paper rather what’s in front of us- good grades, prestigious school, crazy degree, high ranking position….it seems to me that we have forgotten how to be just us –  a person with a heart and soul.

Maybe it’s just in the world that I’m currently living in. I remembered an episode in The Big Bang Theory wherein Sheldon, Raj, and Leonard were applying for a tenure position. Leonard said he would let his work speak for himself, but Penny, the street smart, was like, No, you gotta know who to “schmooze to get this deal.”

Am I so naïve and ideal that that very scene hurt me on the inside? Can’t we all really do that? It’s just that there are times when I wanna scream… Like the times when Miley Stewart just wanna say to the world that she’s Hannah Montana just so people would treat her differently… But then again, things will never work out the way we always wanted it to be.hm-miley

I mean, I’m this, Ren, this person you’re dealing with in real life. I am not the paper you can read. I am not the grades I have, the degree I earned, the licenses I hold. And just because I don’t announce these things in public, it still exists. Gotta stop the picture-or-it-never-happened attitude.

Like, why do we have to treat the big people differently as if they were gods, while we treat the janitors, the guards, the rank-and-files as if their souls were already burning in hell? Since when do we become a caste system? Oh right, yeah, since kindergarten. The nice and smart kids are praised while the naughty ones were forced to stand in one dark corner of the classroom.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is let’s treat everyone equally with the same smile we showed to our boss to our subordinates. Let’s believe the potentials of the naughty kids the same way we believe in the potentials of the class valedictorian.

I am no saint, and sometimes I don’t treat people equally but I always remind myself to be nice. If we are seeing attitudes and behaviors on other people that we do not like, don’t imitate it. If you had a bad experience with your boss, don’t be like that to your employees once you yourself become the boss. If you hated your parents, don’t do the same things your parents did to you to your future children.

Let’s be nice. Let’s be compassionate. That’s feasible, right?

-Ren, 04.02.16, 12:32pm

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almost there!

I thought it was only two-three weekends of not writing in my blog, but it’s actually a month already. Some weekends, I have an acceptable reason of not writing like being really sick; some I’m just not in the mood. So much for my New Year’s resolution of blogging every weekend.

Anyway, so many things happened, and I do not know how to put it in words. But I’ll still try, so let’s start!

   
Finally! I’ve been waiting for this letter for almost three months. To be honest, I’ve forgotten about it already when it came to our house! I already know what’s written inside but to actually hold it in my hands feels different. I was so happy! I am still so happy about this!

The past month was tough – personal life and work. I was really on the verge of giving up, but still here, trying to survive the everyday life. I know this will pay off sooner than later.

  

This was from the homily from the Holy Mass I attended on the first Monday of March. It was on point because I’ve been thinking about this for quite a long time. That very week, it was full of surprises, day after day of ‘leaving the comforts’. It was actually on that week that I realized how indeed hard the field I am currently working, and that I am still not matured enough, and still very anxious to do all of these things on my own. I still thank God that even though He’s giving me unfamiliar battles, He never forgets to send some soldiers to help me.

 

“It truly gets better.” “Leave your comfort zone.” “Stop being so afraid.” “You can do it.” “You can make it.” “Dreams do come true.”

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