For once in my life, I want someone to actually listen to me and pretend to understand me. Because I fucking swear, even though I tell all these shitty things, I still know what should I do. I still can see the other side of the problem. It’s just that I feel like I am fucking tired of following what are the “should dos”.
I’m so tired of holding on and thinking that all I am doing right now is for my future. I am just so tired of being strong and trying to pretend that I can keep it all together, that everything is okay. When in fact it is not! I’ve been trying to be the ideal woman… but what they do not know is that I am fucking broken. Sometimes, I feel that I am already dead on the inside.
It hurts so much waking up each day, dragging myself into something that keep on sucking my soul. I just wanna scream and be free on this box that they have caged me… wait. Nobody caged me. I boxed myself.
For once, I just wanna be carefree and don’t think of the future or be away from all the pressures and negativity. For once I just wanna be understood. I can no longer act that I can help other people when I cannot even help myself.
Mottos like “I can do this.” “just keep breathing” and thoughts of inspiring that challenges are there to shape you have been with me for year. But I am fucking tired. I am fucking broken. I am fucking dead.
-January 16, 2017 during my lunch break