It’s one of those moments in my life that I am lost for words. I usually have a lot of things to say, though most often, I keep it to myself. Hence, the existence of this blog.
What should I do? What can I do? Do I have the strength? I don’t know.
This certain made me realize things – that I have been staying in my bedroom dreaming for too long, that “Books are all I know” definitely describes me, that I can talk to you about theories and algebra but have no idea how to face the realities of life.
No, this is not a self-pity post. This is rather a wake up post, an alarm to drag myself out of my bed and my room.
I am too naive. I’ve been living with too many ideals, and fictions. Let us talk about this book, or that musical, and I am all for it. But let’s talk about all the unfairness in the society, the cruelness of people, the injustice, the pain, the chaos people are actually suffering, and I am lost.
I am too weak right now. No, I’ve been weak and scared all the time. It’s like when my friend and I went to a fair about European Universities but I did not maximize the time. I mean, I should have asked more questions, should have clarified every requirement needed, and should have took advantage of the opportunity. There was a booth for scholarship, but what did I do? Oh, I just took a brochure, thank you very much. When I learned that people go abroad to study, and have scholarship to fund it, I realized my dream of doing the same thing. I know I need good grades and recommendations, but I know that not every scholar for this international schools is Sheldon Cooper-intelligent. People are just Penny-passionate. See, all I know are stories on tv.
I just can’t wait for the future, being strong and not scared, to look back and say “Why did I let fear run my life?” I wish I could say it now.